The Blue Blog: Breaking Open the Seal

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Breaking Open the Seal

how many times have many of us heard. oh come on just get back on the horse or just suck it up and do your job or things will look better tomorrow get some sleep. i know i have said and heard these sentiments myself. though all of these comments may have true sincerity behind them, many times they are just empty words to a person who is truly suffering. i realize that many times friends and loved ones do not know what to say. there is no phrase or action or magic pill they can give to the person they love. many times the most they can do is watch, wait, or walk away. this is especially the case with an illness as diverse and illusive as depression. Depression can maifest its self physically, or with erratic behavior, or the desire to eat all the time, or the need to starve the body to feel some sort of control. There may be an ebb and flow to a major depressive episode. moods may change one minute to the next. isolation may be all that the sufferer is left with. the regression from a society that cannot understand and becomes afraid of such an insidious mental illness as depression. It is only recently that society especially American society has begun as a whole to scratch the surface of this illness. i believe this is less about sympathy and more about a need to keep the facade of normal life alive. many times it is only after a person commits suicide or homicide on a small or large scale, that the question of why arises. However i believe in a post 9/11 society things are changing to a small degree. because of the confusion and complexity of everyday life i believe more people are reaching out for help. whether they recieve the help they need is questionable. however, many more people are beginning to look consistantly at the psyche of all people in a preemptive manner. what i mean by this is that we are asking difficult questions that were once taboo and becoming slowly willing to take on the difficult journey towards a possible answer. heidi jones

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The Major Arcane

As a part of my attempt to use an alternative method of recovering from my latest episode of depression, I followed loosely a method of using waking dreams to find and talk to that part of me I consider my depression. I used a specific fifteen minute drumming piece to help me go into the dream state and to alert me and bring me back out Unlike Jung, I did not have the fortitude to stay in a continous trance state. I met six entities or aspects of myself. I call them the major arcane. I will give you a glimpse of three. The others I have to work a bit more with before I can comprehend in this state of mind what they were trying to convey. heidi

The Mother Tree

She is older than time it's self. She said to me. " my roots go deep into the earth. my trunk and limbs drink the blood and water you have yet to find. you may nestle in the cradle of my roots for a time" i smile at her and became a child. i rolled in the red mud surrounding her, thick with food and wisdom. she laughed and said "you must go now little one. they are waiting for you." i cocked my head and smiled as i looked up into the darkness that pooled between her large leaves of light. She smile again "they are waiting for your birth."
heidi jones

The Gatherer

Her face was like a crab apple left in the sun too long. "follow me "she said "and bring the book !" the book was heavey, thick, and smelled of wet moss and roses. she looked at me as if to say silence ! we went deep into a wood as we walked she plucked various plants and roots caressing them and whispering to them in a language i had no knowledge of. we arrived at an opening to a glade. the graas gleamed so bright i had to shade my eyes. with some effort she sat down on a tree stump. i sat before her. " Now" she said leaning over, her face inches from mine. "we begin. open the book !" I was afraid,but the expression on her face commanded it. i could not understand the words at first. as i looked at the letters they began to change. it was a recipe. The First Recipe was the title.

Ingedients: all you need is yourself. the only line after that was it's time to forgive yourself . the old woman sat back and sighed. "when you get that dish right you come and see me again." heidi jones

The Little Girl in the Well

She is first and last. she is the one i fear the most. i walk through the swamp and come upon a dark dank well. curiosity wins and i am compelled to come closer. it is hard to grasp the edge of the well for it is covered with green slime. i steele myself and look in. at the bottom of the well is a child. a little black girl. she is dressed in a white dress, with white socks, and black patent leather shoes on her feet. the shoes are so clean i can see my reflection in them. her hair is tied back with a single white bow. there is not one speck of dirt on her. it is as if she is a hologram. not really there. she looks up at me and i know she is real. i ask her if she needs help. she does not respond. i lean over and say "can you reach my hand? i will help you climb up. don't you want to go home?" she nods yes. in that moment i realize this is not the help she will accept. "who are you ?" i ask. this time she answers. her light voice echoing up to the top of the well. " i am the keeper of secrets" i knew then that to free her i must come to her. i must climb down into the well. and that for now was an impossibility.

heidi jones

i chose to watch and write about this film not because i necesserily thought it was a great movie. i knew there was a message being missed. the idea hit me after veiwing the film a few times. instead of this story being about some magical journey that Robin Williams character takes to find and rescue his wife and be reunited with his children, this movie was a waking dream. it was a method thrust upon the major character to deal with not only grief, but the darkness he was keeping at bay. he lost his children to a random and tragic accident and after some time he lost his wife to suicide. what did he do after these two horrific and debilitating events? he went back to work. many men deal with depression in an extroverted fashion and for Williams' character that was workaholism. but some part of his psyche wanted to live. thus he was thrust into the world of waking dreams. his unconcious mind took over and sudenly he was in a world that represented not only aspects of himself in the guise of his family, he was also given choice. and in the end he chose to live and what he had to do in order to live was ultimitely face the darkest moment of his life. the suicide of his wife. he had to travel to a place of incredible darkness. this pain his wife could not live with. representing ultimitely his own inability to break free. his was not talking to his wife when he went into that pit of despair. he was finally facing himself. and in doing so giving himself permission to greive. so the last scene in the movie where he and his wife decide to begin again was the freeing of his conscious mind through the experience of his unconscious self. he could greive now. he could let go and feel the freedom to begin to recover. and that is all anyone can ask for right ? the freedom to truly feel as a child does. heidi jones

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Breaking Open the Seal

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Acknowledgements and disclaimer