Walking Through the Dark Wood

This is the third attempt I have made to do an in depth and extremely personal study of depression. I wanted to not only look at memoirs of people who suffer from depression, I also wanted to delve into my own history and struggles with depression. Interestingly enough, I fell into a major depressive episode for the third time in attempting to study this topic. I feel fortuante however because this episode though devistating began early in the semester and with the help of my therapist and yet another cocktail of medication, i am beginning to come out of the fog. I am still shackey. Some of the symptoms are prevalent and even ampliefied on certain days. however, I am also becoming more aware of my surroundings again and beginning to have a growing desire to resume many things in my life that fell by the wayside during this recent bout with depression. I had to bust some moves to catch up and by some miracle finish this semester. I have a check list that I keep close by. I use it as a guide to let me know if an episode of depression is beginning and how severe it is becoming day to day. The other gage I have in my life is my dog Eli. we have been together for ten years now. he knows me better than anyone. it is amazing to me how he can tell just by smell if i'm going down the dark road. if he senses an episode coming on strong he stays very close to me. It is not an intrusive closeness. It's just his way of letting me know he's aware. If i sink further into despair he will bark at varying times of the day to snap me out of the trance. he also gives me something to do. i have to feed him. i have to walk him or at least let him out to pee. That stuborness around taking basic care of Eli trumps my state of mind even if for a moment. now that we are living with people, if i am in dire straits such as weeping uncontrollably or have not moved in hours, he will find someone and bark until they follow him to my room. once he knows someone else has seen me, he settles down on his bed in my room and hangs out with me. Eli is unconditional love and one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given. I rescued him from a shelter. but as the years pass, I think it's the other way arond. back to the list. I developed this list after going through several major bouts of depression. the list includes things like hygene, non communication with others, obsession with one thing in particular, trouble focusing on one thing or task, sleeplessness, extreme attacks of fear and anxiety, the need for white noise ( like having a radio or television on all the time), and eating chocolate obsessively. my therapist explained to me that chocolate has been known to help aleviate some depressive symptoms if eaten in moderation. I know however I am in real trouble when I stop listening to music. I love music. In addition to my dog and my books music is my most prized posession. So when I stop listening to music, I know I have truly fallen into the abyss. I have yet to play a cd. Depression does not slam you all of a sudden like a heart attack. It gradually infuses your psyche and rustles your memory of it. In doing so you begin to relax into it. That is why I have a list. When I am in a depressive episode, sleepingall day and not bathing for a week seems somewhat normal and ok. i'm just tiered and well i'll bathe tomorrow. As things escalate, anxiety and what I call nothingness take up residence. I don't care if I bathe, sleep all day, eat, talk to anyone, or leave my house or my room for any reason for days at a time. the idea of taking a bath, brushing my teeth, answering the phone, or being in a room with just one person can cause such terrible anxiety that I, like many sfferers, is immobolized. I usually curl up into a ball until the anxiety lessens. one coping mechanism for times like these I have developed is telling myself stories. somehow doing so distracts a part of my brain enough until the anxiety passes. All of this is a horrific experience. what is the most horrific for me is the knowing that comes with depressive episodes. That knowing that the sun may come out tomorrow but nothing will change. there will be no light only grey. I will have that morning anxiety attack to look forward to. then the racing thoughts come. the crying happens throughout the day and finally despair to the point of not caring. By not caring I mean unresponsive emotionally to and uninteresed in anything. when I am in that state I can stare at the same movie over and over again and it just does not matter. it does not even register. It's just something to focus my eyes on. not to entertain. It evokes no interest or emotion. Any verbal response to another person will be monotone, quiet, and have a tinge of danger to it. as if to say push me and i will explode. i will spew this horror all over you. it may not change anything but i'll bet you'll think twice the next time you attempt to reach out to me. this is depression. this is the horror so many live with. this is what happens day in and day out until one day hopefully you begin to feel lighter. then another day despite the anxiety you take a bath. Finally you begin to reach out to friends. I am always on medication and seeing a therapist at this point in my life. I feel deeply for those who suffer depression untreated, alone, invisible and silenced. I am very fortunate this time around. I had no job I had to go to. I am living in a safe and loving enviroment. I now have a group of friends who also suffer from depression and can speak the language. It helps a great deal to know you are not the only one who has had these experiences. it is very validating for all of us. There was a time I had none of this. I have no idea how I managed to not only survive but work and interact with poeple because I had too to live. I had some distance from my major group of friends this time around, and somehow that made it easier to initiate communication with them via the web or telephone. Finally I had somewhere in me the knowledge that I had gone through this many times before and come out of it shaken but basically intact. That seed stayed with me somehow and I believe that is why I am coming out of this episode in fairly good shape. Recovery from a major depressive episode is an ebb and flow. Just like the flu you may feel better but you try not to push it because regression can come hard and fast. By this I mean you cannot just jump back into your life. there is no rewind or clean slate. It is a slow methodical and step by step process. I am grateful that I have the help and fortitude to do what is necessary to recover. heidi jones